


My Fists Are Clenched In Cold

by wingless



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Code Name: Sailor V
Genre: 5+1 Things, Character Study, Friendship, Gen, Identity Issues, Introspection, Past Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5604181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingless/pseuds/wingless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five times Minako didn't cry, and one time she did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Fists Are Clenched In Cold

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't quite sure how to tag exactly this since this is Minako-focused gen as a whole, but with a touch of background Minako/Usagi and Silver Milennium-era Venus/Serenity, because I am weak weak weak for all things related to that.

**1.**

 

Minako is thirteen, and has experienced way too much in the span of the past two days. It's one thing for your first love to end in disaster, in rejection- that would have been depressing too, sure, and disappointing— but of the ways for it to go wrong, well. Whenever she considered or fretted about all the ways confessing could end disastrously, she never imagined, never even considered this! For her first love to end with her crush turning out to be a monster and for it to end with her killing him, well! That's a little bit too much, even for Minako's overactive imagination, you know!

Oh, and there's also lots of other stuff, too. Like the fact that a talking cat suddenly appeared in her room and starting telling her about all sorts of weird trippy stuff.  Like how she was a goddess and she was Venus or Aphrodite in her past life or something, and had some kind of magic destiny or something. And the part where she transformed into some kind of magic superhero and it was even more weird and trippy, and how she killed him because he turned out to be a monster. Awkward, that, she never had a crush on a monster before! And honestly, it's all just so confusing and weird and just too much and she really, really doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to think about anything.

It's funny, a lot of people tell her she seems like she never thinks about anything. Like all that's in her head is boys and romance and idols.  They think she's just a simple, mindless airhead. That she doesn't never takes anything seriously. They mean it as an insult; Minako ignores what they mean, and takes it as a compliment. Minako lives for fun, to enjoy live, to love and flourish. She doesn't have time to stop and think when she could be on the move, doing things. But sure, while she's never been good with studying, and never thought of herself as the smartest person around, it doesn't mean she doesn't think.

It's the opposite. Sometimes she wishes she really was that airheaded. It would be so much easier if she really could just stop thinking. Right now, for example; her head is dizzy with too many thoughts and she lies in bed, burying her head in her pillow, as if it can help muffle them. As if it will drown out this noise clouding her mind. Maybe then she could forget everything that happened today and just bury it somewhere deep so she won't ever have to acknowledge it. And maybe then her body will stop feeling so heavy she can't bring herself to move.

But that single moment where she killed him keeps rewinding through her head, like a tape she can't pull out. She sees his deformed, dying face and hears his threats mingled with screams. And somewhere in there, between all that, are her own hands, sending her attack his way—

And it's all too much and why won't it _stop._

Normally, people cry during moments like this, she thinks absentmindedly. But she doesn't.

(It's funny to think about that now, where some classmates were insulting her over that just yesterday. They always do that, calling her rude and rough and unladylike. And bring up that she never cries as if it's a defect. That, too, she took as a compliment, declared it with pride. Why would she not? She would never want to be some gentle, delicate, fragile thing- and that so many people act like it's a flaw only encourages her further to be proud of it.)

Minako is tired. But tired in a way she's not familiar with. She's used to that kind of satisfying tiredness you get after knowing you got a lot of things done and spend your energy on something useful. The kind of exhaustion she comes home with after volleyball practice, through which she can still feel the intense pumping of adrenaline. To her body being tired, not her mind. This feeling like all her drive and willpower has been squeezed and wrung out of her, like water out of a sponge, is entirely new. And this unbearable urge to hide somewhere and not face the world just makes her insides feel all nasty and gross.

But the cat— Artemis— who she spent so much time arguing with earlier — this is still so weird, but he comes and comforts her. And does it so gently, encourages her, tells her to open the window to see how lovely the full moon is. And hey, she's tried, so she'll go to rest. It's important to recharge after such exhausting days, and she'll feel better tomorrow a good night's sleep, so she'll deal with the rest of this later. Artemis' gentle 'good night' accompanies her to sleep.

For that moment, everything is alright.

(The next time she kills someone who she has feelings for, who kisses her and who tells her "I love you"— it hurts, it's true. He was the one who attacked her, of course, but it hurts. The tears prickle at her eyes, this time, it's true. But she does not cry then, either.)

 

**2.**

 

Minako is fourteen, and is not quite exactly the same person she was a year ago, yet she can't say that she's not still her.  It's complicated. It's been several months since she remembered, but she's still trying to get it all sorted out in her head. Some days she spends hours deep in thought, trying to make at least some sense and order of who she is now, thinking and thinking until her head begins to ache. On other days, when she can, she just ignores it all and pretends it's not there. Like maybe if she leaves it alone it'll all sort itself out on its own in some corner of her head, and then come back to her all ready and rationalized and organized without her having to sort it out herself.

She meets up with the other four Senshi one afternoon at Hikawa Shrine. Mars, Rei. Jupiter, Makoto. Mercury, Ami. And Sailor Moon — Serenity — Usagi.  She's still trying to figure out how she sees them in her head. Where the line is drawn between Venus' memories of them and what Minako — only Minako — has seen and known, on her own terms.

Most days she spends providing answers and explanation. She hovers at the edge of the group in silence only to step in when she has something that she knows and they don't, which is often. The others are still somewhat naive and inexperienced, but that's natural, and not to mention hardly their fault. And the irony of Minako judging them this way is something she is well aware of. She probably looked this way to Artemis in her early days, but much worse. She hates to admit it, but- these girls, unlike her past self, aren't treating the whole thing as a game. It's no wonder since they've done so well until this point, but they are earnest, driven, and their resolve more than makes up for lack of experience.

It's a good thing, too. One day they'll have to face harder things, shocking things, but they'll be much more ready for it than Minako ever was.

But other than that— she can't quite fit herself into their casual conversations, no matter how much she tries to think of things to say or comment on. The others, they know each other well, are close and friendly with each other, and you can already see the group dynamic they established between themselves. It's no wonder. They went through so much together already, spent time fighting together and dealing with all this, most discovered their abilities and found out about all this together with the others; no wonder they're so tight.

Yet... she should have befriended them all already by this point, but socialization, which is normally as natural as air to Minako, slips out of her hands like soap. It's odd to suddenly feel so uncomfortable and guarded with others. So she keeps her distance, in spite of the part of her that so pined to meet them so she could finally have comrades and friends and someone who's like her and fights with her so she won't feel so alone—

Well, she'll have to learn not to set her hopes up so high next time. But there's still time, she tells herself. Plenty of time to befriend them and get closer and to get what she wants! So it's fine if it doesn't happen automatically, right? But she always befriends people easily. Or at least, anyone who doesn't go out their way not to let her befriend them, but that's not what's happening here.

So what's different? Well, a lot's different. That's a silly question. A lot's different from any normal situation she's been in. And a lot has changed. Minako has changed.

Still, though. None of her self arguments or internal conversations manage to make that feeling of distance, between her and the others, go away. None of that manages to soothe that little cold lonely feeling it inspires.

It doesn't silence Venus' pleading and pining to come closer, please. I want to see them. It's been so long.

It's evening when they finally finish for the day and start heading home, each going her separate way. Minako leaves them with a warning- _be careful_ , and tries to say it as kindly as possible, but her tone is still far too stern and serious for her own ears. The others don't seem to notice any difference; they all give her that same serious nod of affirmation before they part.

Artemis separates from her on the way back, going who knows where, he has his own business he doesn't tell her about, and she doesn't ask because she doesn't need to. But Minako is alone by the time she returns home- both her parents being busy with work today- and the house is empty and silent.

Silence is both good and bad, depending on the time. It gives Minako space to focus and think, take in new information and reconsider it, to strategize and plan. The noise gets in the way when she needs that. But the noise can protect her from her own head, sometimes, when her thoughts demand attention and energy won't leave her alone and she is too tired for them. And today is one of those days where she wants to do everything but think. She misses the noise today, because it helps her forget. So she heads directly to her room trying to make as much noise as possible with her footsteps, to make the house feel a little less empty and lonely.

She catches her reflection in the mirror just then, and at the look in her eyes her feet stop in their tracks. On most days, she stands in front of the mirror and spend a long time brushing her hair, or trying on different outfits, or making poses or daydreaming, or just admiring herself, because who wouldn't?

But today, this time, this evening, Minako watches the reflection in the mirror, not moving a single inch, and tries to figure out the identity of the stranger in front of her.

Who is this sensible, mature girl that stares at her? Where did this serious, focused expression come from? This assured, to-the-point, businesslike approach? Where is her upbeat smile and loud, ungraceful laughter? Like a film tape, the conversations she had today run through her had in one sweep, and she wonders. Since when could Aino Minako make an expression this serious, talk this calmly and steadily? Aino Minako is supposed to talk too fast, too loud, too ineloquent, and nobody gets her, and she doesn't mind because she's uncomfortable around serious and complicated subjects, they're really not her thing. She's supposed to have this excessive energy that ends up with her almost running into lampposts on her way to school because she has so much charge and agility but no control over it.

Is the girl looking at her know really her, or is that Venus?

She backs away from that question as soon as she asks it, tries to shake it off like some gross and sticky substance stuck to the side of her hand but it refuses to come off. It echoes in the space of her mind over and over, and the echoes take on their own lives, on new shapes, turn into new questions.

So she turns around and runs, and runs, and runs, like she's seven again and having nightmares of being chased by monsters, and runs into her room and slams into the door. Her room, which should be the source of comfort to her, instead feels more like a dead end.

The door is shut, and it doesn't protect her. It doesn't block the incoming barrage of thoughts, echoing within her mid. The pounding of them is like the rapid, anxious beating of a heart.

(Is this, slowly, who she's becoming?

Is this who she'll end up being?

If Venus will become her—

Is Minako Aino going to disappear?)

Minako's fists clench on her own and she thinks,  _No, no, no, no, never_ at her own mind, with all her strength. She waves the thought over and over and over, waving it at the barrage like a weapon. Like a torch of fire, hoping it will scare off the idea, the thoughts (just as they scare her) and it will run back and hide in some dark corner of her mind.

(Not that it will help. Not that it will stop or change anything. The thought will come back, and the fear with it, eventually. But at least until then she can ignore it and pretend it's not there and just  _stop feeling this way.)_

It's probably expected that it doesn't help. The thoughts are much stronger than her fragile, unstable attempt to fight back.

 _Okay_ , she thinks instead, through the murk of her dizzy, pounding head. _Okay. So I'm a bit more serious and act a bit differently when it comes to my mission. That's expected._ Her head is probably pounding so much because she's barely breathing. No wonder her heart is beating so rapidly it's like she's about to die. That she did not notice it until now is a big problem. Losing focus this easily is dangerous. _That doesn't mean I'm not still me. There's no reason to worry_. What is she so scared about, really? _I'm being ridiculous! Minako, you silly girl! This is stupid, what are you getting so worked up about?_ She forces a laugh out of her throat.

No, there's no way she's going to give up to Venus like this. As if! Is she really going to lose herself, to give up on all her passions and dreams, just because of something someones decided for her? Like hell! Who do they think she is? She's going to remain Minako. She's going to become an idol, and then become a famous international celebrity, and she will perform on stage every day, this is what she was made for. She knew it from the very first moment she stepped on strange when she was five and it was some small childish silly meaningless thing she was doing and she  _thrived_ on it and felt so alive and knew, this is what I'm always going to do.

Her inner voice saying this doesn't sound quite as determined as she'd like.

When she closes her eyes, she can almost see Venus at the back of her eyelids. Her face is set in a sad smile. Her eyes are sad and pitying. Like a wise old woman saying, _foolish child_.

Like she knows.

And like on Minako knows, too. What's coming to her at the end, no matter what she wants and no matter how hard she strives for it and how much she fights for it.

After all, soldiers live to fight. Every breath of theirs they devote to others, not to themselves. They don't dance or sing onstage unless they're bored, they don't have time to have fun and look pretty. They don't die looking perfect, like dolled up mannequins. They die fighting, wounded and ugly looking, and sometimes nobody finds their bodies, and all the stories have them proclaim their pride in and devotion to someone else or some cause or some thing with their dying breath.

That's not the kind of person Minako wants to be. Minako will fight and work hard and do her duty and everything she needs to, everything she did until now, and she will never give up— but at the end of the day, that's not what she wants her life to be. So if she has to work so hard, and give up so much of her normal life, and grow up so fast and do it all alone, isn't it only fair for her to get what she really wants, in the end?

For her not to have to give up her dreams and her future for something she doesn't really want?

Isn't it only fair? Doesn't she deserve such a simple thing? To just remain her, to get a chance to live her life?

But life isn't fair, she can feel Venus tell her, with that pitying look and a sigh. Venus, who died a soldier, who gave everything up and was content with it. We know what our destiny is better than anyone. You and I know better than anyone that it can't be escaped no matter how much we don't like it. Didn't you see it yourself? Yes, you did. And you will understand and accept that, eventually.

Venus retrieves to the back of her mind, this time, leaving only that prediction behind her. It looms over Minako- she can almost see it, a dark and ominous figure looming above her. And with it, the image of the future hangs in the air. It is not a happy image, and Minako cannot muster the will in her to fight against it; Venus' words are the lack crack in her armor.

Realization makes a deep, sinking feeling settles in the pit of her stomach, her blood run cold, her heart pound and her fists clench tight. Her bones have never felt so fragile and weak as they do now, shaking and quivering as if they could break any moment. Dread and hopelessness combine and mix together into one horrible cold feeling; it settles like a heavy weight in her, and the entire world twists around her. No longer does she feel herself standing in the midst of her own room, her two feet planted against a solid ground; instead she feels her entire weight sinking down as if the floor beneath her feet has turned into quicksand.

Minako wants to scream; wants to cry; wants to do _something_ , do anything except stand there in this utter solitary silence, wallowing in this disgusting self-pity. She wants to just give voice to this cry that is simmering and seething in her heart and threatening to burst, tearing its way through her insides, she wants to just _let it out_.

But she is alone, and Minako knows all too well how terrible a feeling it is, when you cry and nobody can hear you. So she doesn't.

 

**3.**

 

Minako is still fourteen, and just lost two of her comrades, whom she has slowly, steadily been getting to know, in one day. Venus is stronger and louder in her head than over, and perhaps because of that she doesn't feel like someone else, for once. Right now, Venus is not a self she once was, a voice that sounds so much like hers but isn't. For the first in some time, there is no line drawn between her and Venus, no difference in her voice and Minako's. She is entirely Venus- or maybe it's Venus that's her, right now? Who knows. But not a shadow of the girl who gives Artemis headaches on a daily basis is present in Minako right now. Like she's a switch that's been turned off.

At any time, Minako, Venus knows she can become the third. Maybe the fourth. Which is preferable, she is not sure yet. Mars has more raw power, stronger attacks, so it's best for her to survive as long as possible. But Venus knows her experience can make a difference in crucial moments. Mercury was right to head on and stop the others to ensure her and Mars' survival, much as it pains her to admit.

Regardless, her priority at this point is ensure that Usagi- Sailor Moon- her Princess, gets to where Beryl is. And she'd rather keep Mars alive to be there with her. So if the enemies are so strong they killed two of her comrades, even with Sailor Venus's experience over them, it's not outside of range of possibility that she will die to ensure that. And they could strike at any moment. Any moment. And it's very likely to be a sneak attack. They attacked directly once, and they used illusions already, so it's probable that they'll switch tactics for something more effective. Be prepared for sneak attacks form any directions. And so Sailor Venus keeps her guard up, her eyes frantically scanning every millimeter of their surroundings, for the slightest sign of an attack.

She wants to cry because these are Minako's comrades and first friends in a long time, these are Venus' long, long time friends, so precious and important to her, and she had to see them die once already and after finally reuniting, they're gone. These are people close and important to both of them, in different ways.

But there's no time for tears, so she doesn't. Her princess she allows to cry, because Serenity was always so tender hearted and kind and openly emotional, and in this world even more so (and it was always one of her best traits- it made Venus so happy to see that it was amplified in this new world), so there is no use in even suggesting her to push back her tears; besides, she is already in pain, so why make it worse for her like this? And Mars, too, she allows her tears and sadness, however understated they are; Venus is attentive and focused enough for the two of them. And to be able to cry almost seems a luxury to her, ridiculous as that must sound. So she allows her that, at least; she allows her to grieve and feel, because she at least can afford it.

And this thought only passes by for a second, but that second is enough to catch her off guard just a bit when the ground begins to burn beneath the Princess. Venus doesn't think, doesn't hesitate, doesn't dwell for a second- she screams and pushes her Princess out of the way, getting caught in the enemy's attack instead. The vines tangle up and lock her in their grasp and pull her upwards.

(The Princess' scream is for Minako. Not Venus. Within a split second, some part of her- the entirely Minako part of her- takes note of that, and she doesn't have time to dwell on it, but she hears it.)

There's no time for tears. She is probably going to die, but she doesn't even think of that. She needs to get rid of the enemy first, and ensure it doesn't get to the Princess, and that the Silver Crystal is safe. Yelling at her princess in a rage she didn't know she had in her that she'll never forgive her if she gives it up to save her, especially not for her ( _Let Minako go_ , she says, again. Not Venus. She begs for Minako.) is pointless, probably, definitely, as there's no way it would even work, but it comes out of her on instinct. But maybe that's the only thing that would convince her. (Is that Minako's instinct, or Venus'?)

There's no point in trying to save herself or freeing herself, but there is something she very much can do. She lets the monster believe that it caught her, lets it pull her down underground, waits for the right moment, and before it has a second to realize what she's doing, all three of the monsters are gone, and then—

This isn't how Minako wanted to die. This isn't how Minako wanted her life to end. This is everything Minako didn't want and what she was most afraid of.

But there's no time for tears.

 

**4.**

 

Minako is fifteen, somehow alive after all this time, and her entire world has changed in the past year. She thought it can't change any further after she met Artemis, after she regained her memories from the past, but dying, fully willingly and knowingly, accepting that it happened and giving up, and miraculously coming back has a way of really making you reconsider how you look at certain things. A lot of things. And it's been months since then and if Minako sometimes feel she still hasn't quite come to terms with what happened, well, no one needs to know.

But it does mean that all four of them, Minako and the other three- she cans see it, all of them are shaken a little bit the first time they get separated from Usagi again, and even after it happens several times over, even the smallest separation ends with an unpleasant ache, an anxious tug somewhere at her heart. She sees it one moment, when Sailor Moon returns to them after one such separation, and the other four dash towards her, practically running into one another as they all envelop her in hugs, one after another.

It tugs at her and it tugs at Venus, who remembers scenes exactly like this, remembers how much all of them loved and adored Serenity with all their hearts and ached to throw themselves at their princess in this undignified way to show it, and would have, if social barriers had not prevented it. She remembers wanting to do it too, as Venus, and Venus pokes at her from the back of her mind; _go on. You want to as well, right?_

Minako does not join them. She imagines it- throwing herself into that group and enveloping Usagi with one of her best jump-hugs, with loud laughter and unrestrained delight and, throwing herself at Usagi with no shame or restraint and with all the joy and adoration that her heart is bursting with. But the mental image doesn't feel quite right to her; it itches at her, that this thing that is so her,  she can feel it, that here's some kind of barrier between them she still hasn't broken.

She feels more than hears Venus sigh. _Won't you do it for me, at least? You know how long it's been for me. I could barely even touch her or hold her hand no matter how much I wanted. Please. You don't know how lucky you are to be able to treat her as an equal. At least let me feel her, let me touch her again_ _—_

"Hey, Minako-chan, what are you doing? Get over here!"

It's Makoto. Makoto, the first one to reach out to her directly; Makoto, who went out of her way to befriend her to spend time with and befriend her when Minako hesitated to approach anyone who's not Usagi. Makoto, who slowly, ever-so-gently tapped at the barrier between them, slowly creating cracks—

With a wink, with an oddly knowing smile, she shatters that barrier it into pieces.

But she's not going to say that, of course. Instead, Minako places her hands on her hips and puffs up.

"Hmph! Well, if you insist!"

So she runs right then, and jumps into the circle of hugs they've created. She can _feel_ them, suddenly, for the first time, feel their warmth and breath and hair surrounding her, can't distinguish between who is who, but then she envelops Usagi and Venus is practically singing and sighing in her head and some part of Minako that's not Venus at all finds itself sharing her delight because she's right, hugging her, holding Usagi in her arms- it feels just utterly wonderful in some odd way she can't place, and hearing her warm laughter sets her heart pounding.

(Whether it's Venus' adoration for Serenity spilling over to Minako, whether Minako is slowly growing to feel the same adoration towards Usagi by proxy, whether Minako is growing to adore Usagi the same way everyone adores Usagi, she's not sure. She tries not to think about it too much. It's confusing enough on its own and frustrating enough to have these feelings and not know who they really belong to and for whom they are.)

"Geez, Minako-chan, what's up? How come you didn't do that until Mako told you to? I would've been fine with it either way, you know!" Usagi lets out an embarrassed laughter.

"Yeah. What's up?" says Rei. "How come you needed Mako-chan to invite you to invade our personal space?"

She feels Usagi's eyes on her. "Huh, actually, you know, Minako-chan, I think this is the first time you've actually hugged me directly."

"Well!" She huffs, flipping her hair back in her best imitation of a haughty rich girl. "I'll have you know, I'm  I was waiting for the right opportunity, for the perfect special moment, to deliver my super-special, super-awesome, better-than-everyone's Aino Minako Hug! I wasn't going to waste it on something simple and boring, you see?"

Ami looks at her curiously, head tilted. Oh no. "Come to think of it, you only started getting physically close to us recently... until recently, you've sort of— kept some distance, for the most part." She hesitates. "Um, don't take it the wrong way, Minako-chan. I don't mean it in a bad in good way. But if there's a reason for this..."

"And that's when you started showing your true colors." Oh, leave it to Rei to say it exactly like it is. "Yeah, we've noticed how you've changed. This you know, this is what you're really like, right? Well," Rei folds her arms, and stands up tight, eyes challenging, "What I want to know is why it took so long until it happened."

Oh no. _Oh no_. Minako doesn't like this one bit. This is bad. She forces her smile not to slip, but words are failing her, and she probably looks like a— how do they say it, elephant in the headlights?— right now, and it's all just really awkward in general and she darts her eyes from side to side, trying to figure out a way out of this really uncomfortable situation and—

"It's okay, Minako-chan," says Makoto, voice gentle and reassuring as always, "Relax. You don't have to be nervous. We're not accusing you of anything."

Minako laughs in a high, almost shrill voice.  "Oh, it's nothing, guys, really! I was just building up suspense, you see! Before you got to see the true, real, great Minako— all to build up my beautiful and fantastic true debut! And I—"

Then she hesitates. Her voice turns soft and lowers again.

"I wasn't pretending or anything. And it's not something that's wrong with you guys. Not at all, the exact opposite, in fact—!" _In fact, you guys are the best thing that ever happened to me_. Ah, but if she continues like this she'll expose more than needed, so the pitch of her voice climbs back up and she begins to speak fast, laughter almost seeping through and in between her words in as if trying to block them out.

"Well, it's all in the past, so it's no big deal! But back then, I wasn't too used to being a Senshi and having comrades fighting with me at the same time! It was this totally new thing, so I was still trying to get around it! I know, I know, I was so cool and hard-core, I know it was hard to notice, but it's true, Minako-chan just still wasn't used to it back then! She was actually really unsure about how to act around you guys! How silly, I know!" Minako shrugs and and laughs as if inviting them all to make fun and laugh at some trivial silly Minako thing with her.

And maybe the more and the louder she laughs, and the sillier she makes it look, the more it will block out the implications behind what she's saying. And they won't notice, and she won't have to talk about, and won't have to explain herself.

And to their credit, they don't ask. They don't bother her about it, or force her to talk. But the looks in each and one of the faces turned to her— it tells her that they noticed. Rei's eyes, narrow and piercing, as if just by glaring enough she could see right through Minako to her very core. Ami's, slightly wide in surprise, yet simultaneously focused in thought, as they always are staring into Minako. Makoto's, gentle and kind and nurturing and smiling in a slightly rueful way. Like she finally got her explanation. And then, Usagi's, her eyes so painfully sad—

"Minako-chan, you must have been lonely."

And for a moment, Minako's voice abandons her. It flies out of her like a bird out of a cage.

Let it never be said that Usagi lacks insight when it _really_ counts.

And she wants to say it, really. To tell them everything. All about how she's been all alone for so long, how much time she spend alone in her room exhausted and on the verge of tears. How sometimes everything was so painful and scary and she wanted to give up. How some days she just felt like a little girl trying to carry the entire world on her shoulders. How she would come home covered in injuries and wincing in pain and having to hide it from her parents and friends so they won't ask question. How she didn't have anyone like her to talk to except Artemis and how long he was all she had because slowly, slowly, all her friends grew distant and disappeared from her life.

About how much it saved her to have met them, to be with them, and how much just that alone was good, but it means more than she could ever express to finally break this barrier and really feel like she's part of them, _one_ of them. She wants to tell the how much it means to her to feel comfortable enough to do this, how much she wanted to do this, how long she's been waiting for the moment when she could allow herself, feel that she can do this.

But that would be embarrassing, spilling it all out like that. Who does that, really? Spilling out their hear that way, getting all sappy and ridiculous and overemotional? Not Minako. So she keeps her smile on and forces her voice back into her throat.

"That's all in the past!" Her voice is ragged, dry. Its still taking its time to settle back into her throat and return to what it was. Her own tone and forced laughter sounds strange to her ears. "We're here now, right? So let's enjoy it! Now, each one of you all better bask in the luxury, the privilege of getting a hug from the lovely, the wonderful, the almighty— Aino Minako!"

And one by one, with a smug grin, she goes through each of them, glomping one after another. Laughter, embarrassed protests, annoyed complaining all echo in her ears all at once like bells. She has never heard a sound quite so lovely. And then she gets to Usagi, and her eyes have that soft look, that most tender, loving smile that for a moment makes all the darkness in Minako's heart evaporate by the mere sight of it.

"Minako-chan," Usagi whispers to her. "You're not alone anymore. We're all here with you, always, and we all love you a lot."

Minako doesn't cry, but— and it's embarrassing, really, but— to be honest, she kind of wants to.

 

**5.**

 

Minako is sixteen, and has just entered high school, and the world hasn't seemed so bright and beautiful to her in a very, very long time.

It's not just that she's entered high school in spite of the odds— in spite of those moments she found herself doubting whether she'll even survive long enough to finish middle school, and the fact that if it were not for her Princess' powers, probably wouldn't have. It's not just the fact that she's going to have friends in the same school as her again, for the first time in the past years. It's not just that it's her most beloved friends, the dearest to her heart, who were everything she wanted and far, far more, and who she can spend all day with. And this after only being able to meet with them in the mornings and after school and always feeling like there's some kind of barrier between them because of that even though it's silly because Rei goes to a different school too and still does which is really a shame because she'd love for Rei to also be there.

No, it's all that but also, how after watching each one of her comrades find a school club to join, without a single doubt or hesitation about whether they'll even afford to participate and whether they'll have time and whether or not their duties as Senshi will get in the way, she practically burst into the gym when she remembered they have a volleyball team and joined their club faster than you could say— well, frankly, faster than you could let out a single word.

Practice begins, and Minako is thirteen again, and to be honest it's kind of a relief because some part of her kind of maybe worried that she's out of practice since it's been years and that she might be out of shape or forgotten how to play. But if anything, it's like her reflexes have gotten even better, and she might even be faster than she was back then? And even her stamina is definitely way better, not that she ever lacked that, but all of this might be, it's probably— no, that's definitely a result of all the time spend fighting and running and you know, all her Senshi life in general, she didn't have a choice but to really work on all that, and looks like it paid off, and she really isn't sure how to feel about _that_.

But all thoughts disappear when she  _really_ gets into it, when she tries her famous flying kick and everyone's applauding, when they play a friendly practice game and the world around her melts away and fades. Sailor Soldiers, enemies, her comrades, her Princess, all the people she'd loved, everyone she's fought and killed, her fate, her past- all forgotten, disappearing one by one. Venus might as well never have existed, romance is but a little dot somewhere at the very back of her mind. All words and thoughts disappear and make way for instinct and action and speed. The world is Minako and the court, and all that matters in it is the steadily throbbing, pumping of adrenaline coursing in her from the tips of her toes to the top of her head, the reckless beating of her heart.

That's when she  _really_ is thirteen again.

Minako almost wants to maybe cry with how much she missed this feeling. This- this is what she's been needing. This is a feeling only battle ever gives her, but that's more Venus than Minako. Here, Venus is completely out of her depth, because  _this_ is all, entirely, totally, absolutely Minako.

The club leader and the rest of the team look rather concerned and almost maybe like they regret letting her join? And well, they should be, because with Minako here, they're not going to afford slacking off or doing a half-assed job. No, Minako is going to make this the greatest volleyball team history has ever seen! Minako is going become the highlight of this team, she's going to be the star and ace player because it's only what she deserves, and then she's take them straight to the national competitions, and she's going to _win_. End of story, no ifs or buts.

And maybe- no, definitely, after that will come international competitions, and she's going to win those too, and the whole world will know her not just as an ace volleyball player but she'll also be a famous idol by that point, and everyone will be in awe of all her skills, and there won't be anyone who hasn't heard her name or seen posters or pictures with her face on it at least once, and she might have said all that out loud, a little bit too loud, because her teammates don't look very impresses and are telling her, quiet, Minako-chan, our captain is talking.

Well, one day that'll be her in the captains place, and when it is, they better watch out. And if they're so overwhelmed by her sheer might and power, it's only natural.

Minako comes home after an exhausting yet wonderful day, and when she enters her room, a single volleyball ball, old and worn, sits at one of her shelves. The first thing out of many more to come that her new life took away from her, where she was out too late fighting and couldn't come up with excuses to miss practice anymore, where she was too tired all day and covered with bruises on her knees that she can't find convenient explanations for.

And it's been three years, but now she's taken it back. She's taken back the friends it's taken from her and replaced with loneliness, she's taken back the happiness it stole, and she's going to take back everything else. Her dreams, her passions— her life— she's going to take it all back, and you just sit here and watch, Venus, and try to stop me.

She feels Venus sighing, probably quietly shaking her head, but she does not feel any disappointment or anger. Rather, Venus seems entirely content with this, maybe slightly ruffled at Minako's sheer pettiness at the very most. Like Minako doesn't know and doesn't remember very well that Venus didn't do things just as childish and petty back in the day and that she's the last person who can get all high and mighty with her. But it makes the victory a little bit pyrhhic for Minako, who's been waiting to get back at Venus, prove to her she's not going to take over and replace her. It's almost irritating how Venus refuses to let her lord over her victory.

But the moment passes and it dawns on her, suddenly, that here it is. After all this time, after she's almost given up, after all this endless anxiety for the past three years over what's going to happen— here it is. And it makes something light wash over her body, though her veins, lightening her bones and relaxing her muscles. Her heart wells up like a balloon; she might just float up at any moment, light as it all feels.  Something prickles at the edge of her eyes; she doesn't let it, because god, who cries over silly things like this? Don't be ridiculous. Come on, quit it, you're really embarrassing. It's just volleyball.

But it's not just volleyball. It's not even _about_ volleyball or anything. It's about all of it, the friends and the dreams and all the things she's getting back, and all the things she stayed up late at night trying not to think about, it's because of all of the things Venus predicted and Minako couldn't deny. It's about how all these years of anxiety and fighting with herself looked like they would never end and here it all finally paid off. It's because suddenly everything is okay, more okay than it's been for a while, if Minako's really honest with herself, really honest about how okay she's been feeling. It's because there was a time she thought she's never going to be okay again.

But now here they are, and she is.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It has not even been that long.

The amount of time that has passed is beyond Minako's count. But it feels like an entire lifetime the last time she could see her, so she runs to Usagi and envelops in her arms as if trying to contain all of her, protect her and hold her so she won't ever escape her grasp again, and thinks to herself that she's never, ever, ever letting go and they'll have to just pry her off Usagi if they want her to, and whoever they are, she'd like to see them try.

Usagi is crying, because she's not like Minako and has no shame about showing her tears and letting her powerful, intense, beautiful emotions run free and let them all out without hesitation, and she's babbling something muffled by her sobs and tears into the crook of Minako's shoulder, but she can make out her and other's names in it, and between that is  _I was so scared_ and _I missed you all so much_ and _I can't be without you all_ and there are tears prickling at Minako's eyes too when she leans in and whispers, _We can't handle being without you either_.

The others join them too in their huge messy cuddling and hugging session, but Minako stays close to Usagi and holds her tighter and tighter. Usagi is laughing in between her tears about how Minako is almost strangling her, and Rei is teasing her about how awfully greedy Minako is being when they all want to hug Usagi. But nobody tries to force or wrestle Usagi out of her grasp at all- Rei wraps Usagi in her own hug from behind, cheek pressing against Usagi's, with an earnest and soft gentleness in her usually sharp eyes.

Minako chides her for intruding, but it's all forgotten with all of them wiping the tears off Usagi's cheeks and letting her know what she deserves to hear; _We're so proud of you, all of us_ and _You were amazing out there!_ And it's all getting really soppy and silly and cheesy, now, because Usagi is thanking each and every one of them individually, one by one, for everything they've ever done, and it's getting sappy, really, really, really sappy and Minako has to turn away because she just can't look at this anymore—

"And thank you, too, Minako."

Then Minako turns her head back by instinct at hearing her name, and Usagi takes a step back and looks at her, right in the eye like she's never looked at her before. "You know, I never said that, which isn't fair because I should have. But thank you for everything you've done for us. We wouldn't have made it without you. You're amazing, you know that?"

"Wha—at? Of course I know that! Come on, Usagi don't go stating the obvious, now!"

Usagi giggles and nestles her head in the curve between Minako's neck and shoulder, against her collarbone.

"No, but really. You're really amazing. You became a Senshi way before us, and I'm sure it was really hard. You were alone and had to fight all by yourself I can't imagine how hard that was. I'm sure painful things happened to you too and you didn't tell us, because you never let people see it when you're in pain—yeah, we all noticed." Usagi winks at her knowingly.

"But you didn't give up and made it this far, even though you didn't have as many people to help you and support you as I did, and you did it all with your own strength. So thank you, Minako. You're really incredible."

Minako freezes in place. Her entire body trembles and shakes; she looks down so that nobody will see her biting down at her quivering lip to force her mouth shout else she lets her voice escape her, so that nobody will notice the cause of her blurring vision and tingling moistness in her eyes.

And it's funny how strong Usagi was just saying she is because she doesn't feel strong at all when for the first time, she lets the tears fall down and roll down her cheek, and whatever part of her that really, really wants to fight them and wants to laugh it all off like always, is far, far weaker than this part of her that Usagi just prodded at. She tries to force some words out; her voice comes out all dry and distorted and crackly and it's like she's forgotten what it's like to form words, so Minako doesn't try to force them to work for her again.

A wet, choked sound comes out of her throat that's supposed to be laughter but sounds like a gross mix of laughter and crying, and it's really unbecoming and shabby sounding, yet she can't stop or force it back now that it's out. For the first time in years, maybe the first time since she was but a little girl, Minako Aino cries.

And thinks to herself, that hearing Usagi say that to her now, such simple words—

It made everything, all of it, every single part of it- it was all worth it.


End file.
